Triangle
by idioticonion
Summary: Barney can't resist the new stripper at the Lusty Leopard SPOILERS FOR UNAIRED EPISODE 5.02


**Triangle**

"Strippers are awesome…" Barney chuckled, as Lily made her way out of the bar, outraged. Marshall ran after her, apologies spilling frantically from his lips.

"But Lilypad! I had /no idea/ she was gonna be- Baby! Slow down! Lily!"

Barney quirked an eyebrow at Robin, drawling, "You want another drink?"

She huffed a sigh. "Nah, I think I'll head home. Gotta go to work in about…" She checked her watch. "An hour. Jesus!" She smirked and got to her feet. "You coming?"

He was careful. He got to his feet, trying his best to be as laid back as Robin looked. "Yup, I'll get a cab."

"Share one?" Robin suggested, as a yellow taxi pulled into the curb outside the Lusty Leopard.

He swallowed. "Nah… we're going in opposite directions. You get this one?"

For a moment, she gave him a suspicious look, but when he headed towards the cab that pulled in right behind hers, she opened the door and slid into the back seat. "Hey Barney?" She yelled.

"Yeah?"

"No kiss?" She laughed through the open window, and her cab zoomed back into the traffic, kicking up a cloud of smoke.

Barney coughed and shoved a twenty into his driver's hand. "Wait for me? Ten minutes?"

And he ducked back into the club.

*--*--*

It was the costume, he told himself.

Roxy, the stripper with Lily's face (if not Lily's rack - bow chica wow wow!) had on this old school wild west whore-house corset with matching frilly panties. The whole thing was cut in two "V"s - the first at the breast, accentuating her cleavage. The second was at the waist, drawing attention to the fishnets, the boots, the treasure between her legs.

There was no way in /hell/ that Barney was going to pass up the chance to fuck Lily Aldrin.

Well, stripper!Lily, who was actually called Roxy and who was from Cleveland (he'd tell Ted in detail, later, Bro-to-Bro!).

And okay, in his heart a little voice was saying "But what about Robin?" Unfortunately the much bigger voice of Lil' Barney was booming "Robin Schmobbin!"

Roxy was bending over when he reached her dressing room and slipped inside. He sidles up to her and pressed his groin up against those frilly French panties and shimmied.

She didn't shriek (she was a professional), instead, leaning back on him. After turning around and flashing him a knowing smirk, she said "s'gonna cost ya, honey. And no glove, no love."

He laughed, twirling her around so that her boobs almost popped out of the corset. "Please. I always play safe, when I play hard."

She had that dirty glimmer in her eye. She had that dirty Lily glimmer. He lifted her up by her hips, by those frilly panties, and popped her back on her night stand. "I'll give you two hundred."

She visibly gulped. "Wow."

He laughed. "And all you have to do is lie back and take it…" He sank to his knees, fingers hooking under the elastic of her panties, pulling them over her slim hips. When his fingers went wandering, feeling for the folds of her labia, he discovered she was hot and wet already.

Dirty.

She tries to grind her hips as his finger fluttered elusively across her pussy, just brushing her clit, but he pulled her forward and slapped her hard across her bare rump. "What did I say? Lie back and take it, wench!"

She laughed. "Did you just call me wench?"

He grinned at her. Wow, the resemblance was /uncanny/. He'd been hard as a rock since she'd come on stage that night.

Lily, with boob.

Lily, with hips, sinuous like a snake.

Lily, but totally available for any dirty, depraved sex act he felt like carrying out on her hot little body.

Barney sank to his knees, practically drooling. "Lily," He moaned, as he ducked his head between her legs.

"My name is Ro-" Then his tongue shut her up.

She was lively in his grip, she twisted and panted and made adorable high-pitched yelping noises. He squeezed his dick through the soft material of his pants, groaning, mouthing her pussy before sucking on it like a pig on it's Momma's teat.

In fact, he was so intent on drowning in her perfumed juices that he didn't hear the door open behind him and didn't see anything until something yanked his ear, pulling him painfully to his feet.

He yelled out a protest, Jesus Christ that hurt so much that he couldn't even stand up straight.

"Barney, oh my god!"

His mouth fell open. "Lil?"

She crossed her arms. She looked very, very pissed.

"Lily, this is totally not what it looks like!"

Lily shook her head.

"Okay, it's totally what it looks like but-"

"Shut up, Barney."

He gulped for a second, looked back at Roxy, who's face was a picture of shock. "It's like looking in the freakin' /mirror/!" She blurted.

"Hold on just one ahhhhhhhhgggh!" Barney said, sagging again as Lily twisted his ear. "What are /you/ doing here?"

Lily at least had the decency to blush and Barney realised that there was a blush creeping across her cheeks as her gaze was drawn to Roxy, still sprawled lewdly across the night stand. Lily ran her pink tongue over her lips, letting Barney go.

"You-" he gasped, wagging an accusing finger at her. "You totally came here to check out the not-Lily action!"

Lily's lips twitched into a smirk. "It's not cheating if you don't touch me…" She mused. "And if you ever tell Marshall anything… I will use my powers of Slapbet commissioner to full effect!" She grinned.

"You're kidding me?" Barney groaned, but he was already unbuckling his belt.

"Two conditions," she said with a scowl.

"What?" He said, hands frozen with his fly half-unzipped.

"I tell you exactly what to do with her."

He raised a questioning eyebrow.

"And her boobies are mine!"

*--*--*

It was one of those experiences that Barney would take to his grave. Like the first time with Robin, while her terrible 80s pop video played on in the background. Or the almost ten-way. Or that time with-

But the threesome with Roxy and Lily (totally belt-worthy, they were both in/on Roxy after all) would be up there. The sensation of Roxy, bouncing enthusiastically on his dick while Lily suckled her rose-pink nipples, that… Wow.

And okay, Lily might have accidentally on purpose brushed her hand over his bare buttocks. And she might have slide a finger between the crack of his ass and pressed it inside. And she might have made him come like a freight train.

He was sure that was totally a reflex action.

Marshall never needed to know.


End file.
